


Silence is Golden

by romanticalgirl



Series: Attention's Price [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 2000</p>
    </blockquote>





	Silence is Golden

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 2000

Ive been sitting on the outside of this strange little triangle for a couple of weeks now. I know that its been tough for everyone, pretending that were all the same kind of friends we were before Willow saw whatever she saw and everything fell apart. But whats even tougher is trying to figure out where I fit in all of this.

Hows that for selfish, huh? 

I mean, dont get me wrong. I care that Willow got hurt. It kills me inside to know that someone she loved hurt her so badly, so deeply that shes sort of regressed into the shell she had before Buffy came along. Maybe none of the others see it. Buffy and Oz are so involved with each other, and Giles is so desperately pursuing another line of work in the wake of being fired from the Watchers Council, not to mention blowing up his place of employment, that I dont think they notice. 

I dont think they see that when she walks, shes always carrying something, hunched over just enough that her short hair hangs in her face to hide her eyes. I dont think that theyre aware of the despair that seems to radiate off of her. 

Maybe I shouldnt notice either. I mean, after all, it was noticing stuff like thatwell, only better stuff than that, that sent Willow and I down the road to ruin not all that long ago. It was noticing that she was beautiful and sexy and caring and loving and looking at me with her heart in her eyes, even when she knew it was wrong that sent me spiraling into the abyss of loving her. 

Abyss. That seems like such a negative word, doesnt it? But in this case its not. Its an abyss because Im stuck there with no way out. I did everything I could to walk away from her when we got caught, did all that I thought I was supposed to do. I sucked it up, acted like a man when she went back to Oz. Pretended it didnt matter that she didnt seem to give me another thought. 

But I was lying. To her, to myself, to Cordelia, to everyone. I felt guilty and wanted to make it all right, the way it was before Xander Harris had screwed it all up, just like he did everything else in his life. But just because my reasons were the right ones at the time, doesnt make the lie any less painful. 

And it certainly doesnt make it any easier now. 

Shes sitting there, across from me, not paying any attention to anything thats going on around her. Her heads bent forward and shes reading from some giant book-type thing. I wonder if she even knows Im here, watching her. I wonder if she has any idea how much I want to just go to her and put my arms around her, comfort her like a best friend should. I wonder if she knows I cant do that because I dont want to be just her best friend. 

Maybe were all just a product of our circumstances. I mean, if Willow and Oz were still together, Id just be smiling the smile of the passed over, pretending that it didnt rip out my heart every time I saw him touch her, knowing that shed given him something that, until the day she met him, shed planned of sharing with me. 

Maybe I only wanted her because I couldnt have her then, but if thats the case, then why do I want her so much now? Why cant I look away? Why cant I seem to find anything in this world, this life, more important than my desire to see her smile like she means it? Smile like she did that night, ice cream in her hair, all the worries and betrayals somewhere else, even if it was just until sunrise. 

Oh! She looks up at me, and shes shocked. Her eyes are wide and so green that I forget everything but what looking at her is like. I lose myself in her. I didnt see you there. When did you get here? Why are you here? I thought you were working guy today? 

I am. I was. And I will be again. I smile and sit down on the couch, stretching my legs out along its length. Early shift at the donut shop. I got to do the frosting today. 

So I see. 

Shes looking at my shirt, which is stained with whatever substance they use in pink frosting. They say its just sugar and coloring, but it doesnt wash out, doesnt bleach out, and it sure as hell isnt natural. Im investigating a little on my own, just in case its demonic. I laugh and cover the stain with my hand, hoping nothing strange  like tiny teeth ripping the flesh off my hand  happens. And then its a three hour break before I join the masses at the wacky pizzeria for a wild dinner party of zaniness. 

Wearing the cheese costume again? 

Its Friday, is it not? 

Poor Xander. 

Yup. I grin at her sympathy, even though I know its all in fun. And after that, its a fun night of scrubbing down the theater after a late night showing of that well-known midnight classic, How the West Was Won. 

How the West was Won? Thats a midnight classic now? 

Well, apparently, they couldnt get anything else. 

Are people going to actually show up at the theater for that? I mean, risk life and limb being out in the dark to see a western? 

We shall see. 

You shall see. She gives me a grin and sets the book down, easing it off her lap with a gentleness that I remember so well, however fleetingly I was allowed to feel it. I shall be in bed, resting my weary eyes after all this reading. 

What are you reading? I turn the book and give her a look. Andonysius Interogoten? Is this some sort of magic book, Willow? 

No. She shrugs lightly and looks away from me, turning to head for the kitchen. Its something about demons. Giles asked me to look up a few things for him. Some things have come up in the job hes doing for the museum, so he wants some investigating done. And since Im the only one whos not actuallybusy this summer 

Her voice trails off and I want to kick myself for even bringing the topic up, even though I had no way of knowing what direction we were headed in. Wills? 

She stops and looks back over her shoulder, and I wonder how Im just supposed to pretend I dont see the pain there. Yeah, Xan? 

Couldcould you get me a Coke? 

Her face falls and I wonder if there was a piece of her that hoped Id say something else. I mean, most of me is kicking my ass right now, wondering where that stupid phrase came from. Where is all my heartfelt worry for my friend? Where is my comfort for her in this tough time? 

Ill tell you where it is. Its doing its damnedest to cover up the nearly overwhelming urge to kiss her and hold her and show her that she was right all along. That we were meant to be. Were the ones who belong together. Not her and Oz. Not me and Cordy. Us. Xander and Willow. Like its been for so long. And like it hasnt been for too long. 

Ssure. She smiles back at me and disappears into Giles kitchen. Feeling like an idiot, I follow her and jump up on the counter, watching as she rummages through the fridge. No Coke. 

Hmm. Pepsi? Rootbeer? Vodka? 

Water. Andsomething that once was milk. 

Oooh. I dont risk my life enough. Maybe I should try that. I hop down, stumbling a little on the landing, which brings me closer to her. She starts and turns around and then shes right there, in front of me, so close I can smell her, taste her. Or I swallow hard, trying to remember where I got off the train of thought. I could take you out for a drink. A Coke, not like a drink drink. Because were too young for that sort of thing and it would undoubtedly get us in trouble if we were to do it and I think that I might be babbling. 

You might be right. 

I step back, basking in her smile. There it is. Thats what Ive missed for so long. What do you say? If youre willing to risk dining with cheese, Ill even treat you to some pizza. 

I should finish my reading I can sense the hesitation, and I know that Im maybe not being fair, but I dont care. 

You work too hard. And its not right for Giles to expect you to do all this. I mean, were volunteers, right? So we should be allowed to unvolunteer for a night. Cmon, Wills. Extra cheese. Extra sauce. 

Promise? 

***

She looks amazing, even in the crappy light of the pizzeria. Its dim and yellow and oily, but Willows like a breath of fresh air in the musty room. And shes laughing. Shes been laughing almost the entire time weve been here. Its even okay that shes laughing at me as I dance around in my cheese costume. Cheese leaves a man with very little dignity. 

But that musical tone makes it all worthwhile. 

I mean, I spent a large portion of my life making myself look like an idiot in an effort to cheer her up. Lets not get into the fact that I was usually the reason she was so sad, but leave it at the fact that when it comes to Willow, Im not above debasing myself on a daily level. 

Nowadays, I just get paid for it. 

Once my little cheese shift is over, I go in the back and shrug off the costume. Its hot and uncomfortable and Im more than happy to be out of it, even though Im now all sweaty and smelly. It just doesnt seem right to go out there and spoil whatevers left of her dinner with my presence. 

Xander? 

I start and grab a towel, whipping it around my waist. Im in boxers and a T-shirt, but Im definitely not at my most presentable. Yeah? 

Can I come in? 

I debate the question in my head for a million seconds, or maybe just for one. Im not quitesure. 

She comes around the lockers and shes blushing, trying to look everywhere but at me. Me, Im grabbing my pants and pulling them on as quickly as I can. Not out of any false sense of modesty  I mean, hell, Id be thrilled if Willow wanted to see me in my altogether, but out of the fact that my altogether is a little moreaware of her being there than Id like. 

I just wanted to Shes not looking at me, but shes blushing a gorgeous red. I was thinking I should head back to Giles. Ive had my dinner break and youve got more work to do and I know youll want to go home before the movie, so Ill just see you tomorrow, okay? 

She looks at me finally and its all gone. The light and music that was in her just a little bit ago. And I know why. Buffy and Oz are going to be at Giles tonight. Shes going to have to sit there and watch them. Not that they do anything. I mean theyve been super careful about not hurting her. But its not the grand gestures that hurt. Its the little things that they do, stuff that he used to do or say to her, for her. And now hes doing them all for Buffy. 

Sure. I can walk you there. 

Its still light out. Ill be fine. She turns and starts to walk away, and I can feel all the good going out of the day. Now its just drudgery and work. But, Xand? 

Yeah, Wills? 

She comes back and kisses me lightly on the cheek before backing away. Thank you. I had a wonderful time. 

I stand there like an idiot as she darts out the door. I reach out to grab her, hold her to me, kiss her again for real, but shes already gone. Already out of my reach. 

But. 

But, she had a wonderful time. 

***

Midnight. 

And, as hard as it is to believe, How the West was Won is not the biggest late night draw. In fact, if no one shows up in ten minutes, were closing the ticket box, and yours truly is headed for home. 

Sorry, Xander. 

I look up from the popcorn to see Mike, the sole other employee stuck on crappy midnight detail. Hes pointing toward the door and the figure approaching. We actually have a customer. Ill be up in the booth. Let me know when you want the movie started. 

He disappears as she walks in, her smile like a fire in my heart. Am I late? 

What are you doing here? 

I heard you were showing my favorite cult classic. 

Well, you made it just in time. We were about to close it all down. 

I could go. 

No. I gesture toward the popcorn, not wanting her to disappear. Not when I know that shes here because I am. Not letting myself believe it might just be because they arent. Hungry? 

I dont know. I had a great dinner. 

Ah, but the popcorns nice and cardboardy. 

Oh. Well then. Can I get butter on that? 

Sure thing. I dont look at her as I dish up the largest bucket I can find. But I can sense her eyes widening and I cant help but smile. I thought maybe we could share. 

Oh. But you dont have anything bigger? 

You wound me. I hand her the bucket. But you get a refill on this size. Go grab us a couple good seats before theyre all gone. Ill be right in. 

Okay. Id better eat my share quickly before you get there. 

I smile as Willow walks into the theater, then dart up to the projection booth. Okay. Its your lucky night. Ill start the movie. You go home. Ill lock up. 

I dont know 

Please? 

Ten bucks. 

I fish the money out of my pocket and force it on him before starting the movie. Hes out the door before Im done, so I lock it behind him. 

Taking a deep breath, I push through the doors to the theater and stare at her in the darkness. The projector light shines on her red hair, making it sparkle. 

I flop down in the chair next to her. Any popcorn left? 

Nope. I ate all twelve gallons of it in the ten minutes you were gone. 

Who do you think you are? Me? She giggles and holds out the bucket to me. I take it from her and settle it in my lap. Grabbing a handful, I gesture toward the screen. So, whats this all about? 

Well, its sort of about how the west was won. 

Ah. I settle back in the chair and pretend Im watching the movie, even though Im not. Im watching her. Her eyes are glued to the screen, and mine are glued to her. 

Its on cable a lot. 

I dont have cable. Its just a normal thing to say. Normal words, a normal phrase. But when I say it, it comes out all strange and husky. 

Me either. And she doesnt seem to notice, and I know I should be thankful or grateful or something. But instead, Im almost angry that she doesnt hear it. Or doesnt want to. 

I reach for more popcorn, swallowing hard as I feel her hand. Sorry. I start to pull away when she moves and her hand grabs mine. Her skin is slippery with butter, but I dont care as her fingers wind together with mine. 

Maybe she did hear. 

Will? 

Shh. She shakes her head; her eyes still on the movie. Her hand still holding mine. 

I dont move. Cant really. Except my thumb, which gently brushes her skin, rubbing small circles on her hand. 

We sit there like that; popcorn growing cold in my lap, until I hear the faint buzzer, signifying that the end of the film reel is coming. I hate it. I dont want the moment to end. 

ThwI have to change the reel. 

Oh. 

So we can see the end of the movie. 

Her hand tightens on mine. Its on cable a lot. 

Its been a long time since Willow and I have been best friends. Its been forever since I knew what she was thinking. 

I set the popcorn on the floor and tug gently on her hand. She gets out of her seat and moves into my lap, scared and unsure. 

I look into those green eyes, ready to ask her all sorts of questions. Ask her if this is about Oz and Buffy. Ask her if she means it. As her if shes going to hurt me. 

But the minute I see her eyes, all my words fade away. Except for one. Willow? 

Xander? 

Shes looking at me like Im looking at her. Like Im the only thing in the world that could possibly hold her attention. I touch her face with reverence as the movie reel runs out and silence falls around us. 

And then I kiss her. 


End file.
